BEIJING – President Xi Jinping of China on Wednesday lauded a new Communist Party initiative to lock in daily garden-variety ineptitude among government officials, calling the Empower Youth Incompetence Campaign a win-win solution for Beijing’s political hegemony and the country’s rapidly blooming Gen-Z generation of pro-CCP snitches.
Xi said the initiative would follow the long history of prior Communist Party political drives that acted as a bulwark for CCP control in the massive Asiatic country by ensuring complete obeisance to unhinged authoritarianism and ticky-tack rule-following among China’s future leaders.
“We are especially looking forward to our youth blindly toeing the party line when it comes to loving the Motherland, turning in foreign visitors to authorities for treachery and licentiousness, and coarsely demanding the return of the entirety of the South China Sea region despite never having swum in it or otherwise having seen it except on our secret map that clearly proves our ownership,” Xi said to a crowd at the Great Hall of the People gathered to mark the start of the campaign.
One of the country’s youth who attended the ceremony, 17-year-old Marcus Aurelius Qian, said he believed the new initative would give China’s adolescents a chance to write Communist Party history in their own hand or on their Huawei P40 cellphones, which they could then share on China’s Twitter-like Weibo social networking site.
“It is through such technological superiority that we can spread the message of today’s CCP, which I believe is ‘Just Do It’ or ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ because I remember reading such ancient texts in school, before they became coopted by Western usurpers,” Qian said.
“Any doubt I have about following the CCP’s mandates on upholding Xi Jinping Thought on Socialism or beating down the doors of my Uighur neighbors to report them for thought crimes against pork have been erased from my mind through the knowledge that the state will always support me so long as I continue with resolute stiffness to Maintain the Advanced Nature of Communist Party Members,” he said.
“In this way I hope I can rise to the top of the party leadership someday myself and lead the Chinese people to eternal glory by obliterating Taiwan from the face of the earth or totally taking control of a vassal state like Cambodia,” Qian continued.
“In addition, acquiring a new Mercedes Benz GLC or AMG somewhere along the way through an unlimited long-term, interest-free credit facility from the Patriot Alliance Association sure would be sweet.”